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Gais, I need help.

Discussion in 'Hot Spam' started by BeastiesDecoyAccount, Jul 3, 2014.

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  1. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    I'm hanging out with some friends and I just sat down wrong and gave myself a wedgie. Normally when I'm alone and this happens, I just pick at my ass and fix, but since I'm not alone this time, I don't want to look like a slobbish barbarian, or a barbaric slob.

    What do?
     
  2. Grrr

    Grrr Highly Damaging Member Forum Legend

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    Position your dick forward, get a boner, dick fixes autowedgie. Thank me later
     
  3. Lucent

    Lucent Ghost in the shell of a former Drama Queen Forum Legend

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    What you're going to want to do is load yourself up with plenty of water and fluids. As soon as you're comfortable, begin to pee, for this step just keep your pants on. People will start wondering where the pee stench is coming from until they finally lay their eyes upon your pants and see the giant outline of moisture seeping through. As they do this, make eye contact. They will lift their gaze from your pants with disgust to look at you, where they will be met by your unending stare. This way they will have no choice but to avert their eyes.

    Do not stop there, this is where step 2 begins. Now, you should've loaded yourself up so you still have plenty of fluids in your bladder. Unzip your pants and begin to pee directly in front of them, waving your stream back and forth. Make eye contact with the most dominant male in the room, usually the one that hasn't yet fully averted their gaze.

    Now finally you may proceed to walk over to aforementioned dominant male, fix your wedgie and fart in his face. By doing this he will by now think the motion of fixing your wedgie is all part of your routine, and it will go unnoticed. You are now the dominant male. Ask for your complimentary dragon eggs, and sit back down with a freshly saved and happy butt.
     
  4. Slyther

    Slyther Oculus Ex Inferni Forum Legend

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    Wake up







    see this







    WHAT DO
     
  5. vesiinabox

    vesiinabox Death be chillin bitches. Forum Legend

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    yea just pick it fuck what the world thinks you dont need them anyways....dont overlords get to do what they want anyways? If they dont like it give them one of those prayer mats as a gift.
     
  6. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    Ok I tried the boner thing, but since it's mostly guys around I had to think of sexxay cat girls and it worked! At least the boner part did, but the wedgie still isn't much better and now everyone is working at me awkwardly because I have a boner and there are no sexxay girls around and that means I need to tell them about the sexxay cat girls before things get gay. Grrr, your advice didn't help at all!

    Need more halp! Lucent's idea sounds like it would work but that's only going to be the all else fails, last chance end it all nuclear option as it is that extreme. Sort of like if a country is losing a war, and their leader and generals say "OH FUCK IT ALL!" and then they launch every nuclear rocket they have.
     
  7. Lucent

    Lucent Ghost in the shell of a former Drama Queen Forum Legend

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    I don't understand, is that not the objective?
     
  8. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    No it was not. The objective was to tell them about my new prayer mat landmine company to see if any of them would be interested in investing, but between the wedgie, and grrr's dumbass device, things are going downhill fast and at this rate I may not have any investors, which means I may need to do some assassinations to build up the capital I need to expand.

    Or I may also go on that show Shark Tank where inventors and company owners tell the rich investor people about their ideas in the hopes that someone will make an investment in their business. Only my appearance will be a distraction as when I am on, my ninjas will break into the "sharks'" homes and steal all their money and things and then I can use that for the capital I need. Yeah that's a good plan.

    BUT I STILL HAVE THIS WEDGIE!
     
  9. Ddraig

    Ddraig Steel of Destiny

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    -Run Diagnostic.
    -Start Self Repair Protocols.

    You are overly complicating yourself.
     
  10. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    I have a healing factor like Wolverine, Deadpool, and Deathstroke in which my body will rapidly heal any wounds I sustain, but I am not a robot or a cyborg or an android and can not do that diagnostic and repair. Also my healing factor does not fix wedgies. I may have to end up going with Lucie's idea.
     
  11. Ddraig

    Ddraig Steel of Destiny

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    Weak species.
     
  12. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    Oh hush, I've destroyed plenty of your mechs and gundams. You guys are just fancy scrap metal.
     
  13. regiix3

    regiix3 yeah Forum Legend

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    Eat my ass beastie what the fuck kind of man are you

    Just pick it, I do in public, followed by consecutive pulls around the waist so it looks like I'm adjusting my pants.
    Highschool has bred bad habits in me and no shame..
     
  14. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    I'm flattered and I appreciate the offer Regi, but I'm not gonna eat your ass till you become legal. I'm no pedo. Once you become legal, then we can do all that weird and crazy fetish stuff.

    But in the meantime I've got a wedgie to fix.

    Probably gonna have to end up doing Lucie's idea.
     
    1 person likes this.
  15. Dimitra

    Dimitra 安心。 Forum Legend

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    Don't forget to put your whole hand in your boxers and pull it out and then lick your hand like Hayden Panettiere did a few years ago and everyone was looking at her all funny for some very strange reason. D:

    [​IMG]
     
  16. Kyle

    Kyle Banned Forum Legend

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    commando..
     
  17. Slyther

    Slyther Oculus Ex Inferni Forum Legend

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    dem jail baits, tho
     
  18. Georgie

    Georgie Ḏɪ̭̜͓̜ͅs̪ᴛ̩̪͓ᴜ̬̖̗̬ʀ̻͚̖͎ʙ͉̜͓̖͙̼͖̳ᴇ̖̞̻ᴅ̻̞̫̘̫ͅ Forum Legend

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    If your p**is is big enough you can always shove it up your ass, that being said, I know your head is there most of the time so depends on you really.


    Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy being famous and listen to this song

    [video=youtube;S-dzoZVd4mE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-dzoZVd4mE[/video]
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2014
  19. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    That might work. I'll look into it.

    No, I'm not going commando. I like my boxer briefs. They're comfy, don't restrict my genitals, and don't get all sweaty and sticky on a hot humid day.

    Jail baits can be pretty sexxay, but keep in mind JAIL BAIT, as is if you fuck them you will GO TO JAIL, AS A SEX OFFENDER, and actually jail bait is misleading it should be Prison Bait. Because that won't just get you to plain ol jail, that will get you to hard core prison. And prison is tough enough without being a sex offender. And then when you get out, you gotta register and inform all your neighbors of being a sex offender, and you can't go near any schools and it's all a big hassle.

    Much less of a hassle to just hook up with the ones that are legal which is usually 16 or 18 depending on where you live. Unless you live in some backwater 3'rd World country where you can fuck a ten year old and no one will give a shit but then if someone lived there I would suspect that they would have a lot more to worry about then whether or not that that pretty girl is legal or not to hook up with. If you are into those little kids then here's my advice. Here take this spear, stick it into the ground with the sharp pointy end sticking up and out.

    And then ram your neck into it.

    I would try that but my penis is just normal size. No I'm not gonna say it's big, it's a normal size penis. I guess. Truth is I never measured it nor have I compared it with any other penises, but there are other guidelines that I heard are pretty accurate. One big theory is that you can tell how big someone's penis is by checking their hands and feet, and the car they normally drive. The bigger the hands and feet the bigger the penis, but the bigger the car the smaller the penis.

    And if you're a deuschbag that has to get a huge hummer or a big truck(and then get it completely jacked up) then that's just an advertisment that you have a small penis. The truck thing does get an exemption though if you use it for work either at your job or if you live on a farm or something.

    So with all that I'll just say I have a normal size penis that can't fit up my own ass, but I'll also add that I have large hands, wear size 13 shoes(US size) don't know what size that would be with the EU measuring system, and I drive a small car. Also all the ladies I've been with over the years, including my fiance have been satisfied with how I perform in the bed(seriously no troll), so you guys can do the math on that.

    And contrary to your attempt to compliment me on my flexibility, sadly, I have never had my head up my ass, as I am not flexible enough. While I am more flexible than the average 6'2" 210 lb male thanks to my normally active lifestyle, I am sadly not even flexible enough to suck my own dick, let alone shove my head up my ass.

    If you have any pointers on how to improve my flexibility so I can physically perform those maneuevers some day, then I would greatly appreciate it.

    As a thanks to your advice and your compliment about my flexibility I will give some advice of my own. Dubstep is terrible and that noise that you call a "song" is horrendous. You would be much better off if you just stayed away from that crap and listened to some real music. I won't say any one type or genre as a variety is what you should try for. I personally love some modern rock, a little bit of alternative, SOME J-Pop and K-Pop, Heavy Metal, Japanese Heavy Metal, Classical music, Classical Asian music, Monk chants, Viking Metal, and the Epic sounding stuff that groups like Two Steps From Hell make just to name a few.

    In regards to the wedgie situation, I have a daring plan that may just work and it won't involve messing with my penis, getting a boner, or pissing all over the place while making eye contact with anyone. I'll try it and let you all know how I fared.
     
  20. BeastiesDecoyAccount

    BeastiesDecoyAccount Chillin likea guy who chills

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    Ok everyone I have an update on the wedgie situation. I'm sure you spent all night(or day depending on where you live) wondering what I did to try and fix the situation and if it worked. As you know things were getting desperate and I was about to do Lucie's plan of peeing everywhere but I decided to try one last desperate maneuver before resorting to that. While I was talking I suddenly point out into the distance and yelled "HEY LOOK OVER THERE! IT'S A DISTRACTION!"

    Everyone looked and while they were looking I quickly fixed my wedgie and the rest of the meeting went smoothly. Things went so well in fact that everyone decided to invest in my company! However that leads us to another problem. You see there were ten guys who all invested and I promised them each a 20% stake in the company, which leads to a total of 200% stake. And that does not include my other current investors.

    So now I am in a pickle in that regards and have thus decided that my best bet would be to just run the company out of business so I wouldn't have to worry about the over 200% ownership of my company. I saw a movie about this happening only with Broadway plays and guy who played the original Willy Wonka was a main character in it. Even though their plans didn't quite work out perfectly I'm sure I can get away with it.

    Then I'll make a new company and go back to selling my land mine prayer mats and only this time I'll be much more careful about how I get investors.
     
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